I've just gone back and read my previous blogs.  They are monographs: essays if you will encapsulating rational arguments on BDSM.  It was pointed out to me that there is no emotion in my blogs, and that I write almost exclusively as though I were undertaking an intellectual study rather than enjoying a kink.  You might read on my profile of the things that excite me but it doesn't tell you a lot about me.  Well actually the blogs say far more than I thought they did, and to be quite frank I'm scared of what they tell me because of what they say reading between the lines.

How do my blogs portray me?  Rational, clear-thinking, clear sighted, well read, accomplished, clever, oh-so intellectual.  Stuffed up in my ivory tower where I can be worshipped and adored.  Am I so very different from the women that scream "I am a Goddess, worship me because I am beautiful"?  Am I in fact screaming "Worship me because I'm clever"?

Have I once said anything that tells you of my love of BDSM?  Do I in fact love it at all?  Am I really just a vanilla girl with a penchant for buggering men?

The pure and simple facts (and just the facts Ma'am) are that I don't know.  Maybe I'll have to relearn everything I thought I knew.  Maybe (dear God!) I'll actually have to overcome my fear of ever meeting anyone offline and actually do some real-life-to-God Domming of more than a handful of pointy shoes and a vibrator.

And that got me thinking.  Real life / online.  Huge difference.  How can these differences be reconciled.  Can you really dominate someone online.  And then Flame, dear Goddess, my friend Flame reminded me of the times that ...

Last night.  New sub (adores me .. but hey don't they all) and says "how can I best serve you"?  Now I love ass play.  Give me a man afraid of being thought of as gay and all I want to do is say "do you actually know why it feels good"?  and so I instruct him to practice, and so, this anal virgin does exactly what I've told him to do four times last night.  And he was banned from contacting me until today because he insulted another Domme friend of mine.  And he did it.  He did it!!  Banned him from contacting me again today until 6pm, and he's not contacted me during that time!

Another sub who went without orgasm for five days because I hadn't contacted him to say "yes you can come".  Then I let him.  And this was after promising him a kiss and a scratch of his nipple (oh I can tease and deny with the best).  And the athelete, who I timed to the last second of time he could play with himself and I said not a second longer.  He begged!  Can I dominate?  Yes, online, I can and I do and I look back and feel the shiver of electricity through my spine because my boys, my beautiful boys do what I tell them to do and do it because I have dominated them.  I can!! 

That doesn't mean to say I can't and won't and won't want to learn more.  The more I rationalise, the more I write to feed my own understanding, to open up my own senses and sensitiviites.  I want to learn what motivates subs, so I read, I listen, I write; not just to be seen as some DiplomaDomme but so I can sort out my own understanding.  That's why the feedback is so vital.  Here, I pin down those thoughts that go racing through my mind and when I pin them down I can control them too.  And then, when I have got my head round something I can do something about it.  I can go out and make that sub at University thrill to the delights of face-sitting or bondage or whatever I want because to get what I want I need to understand what makes them tick and what they're capable of.  And to be quite frank, what my motivations are and what I'm capable of.

So I say, I am a Domme.  I'm learning to be better than I am, and I do it the way I learn best, which is by reading and writing.  I know of painsluts, does that make me a knowledgeslut?  I am passionate about BDSM, as an intellectual subject and as an art form and lifestyle.  I've felt like dominating since I was eight years old and dreamed up ways of torturing the boys who tied me to a tree in their Cowboys and Indians game.  Ask Rod, who got teased and denied for hours at a time round my place when I was a teenager because I wouldn't play his game and played mine instead.  Listened to him beg me!  I lapped it up!  So I read and write and seek to understand more about the subject so when I look into a subs eyes I see what they want.  And deny it quite possibly.  These monographs aren't *just* an opportunity to say "come worship me for lo I am clever".   They are also invitations to join me, not on some ivory pedestal, but in helping me clarify my own understanding.  I think about my goals and think actually, the most important one is to learn.  So don't worship me, debate with me!

Bright blessings on you all

Gloriana
xxxxxx